DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has been cheating on me for months with a woman he met on a bondage website.
I always knew he was disappointed that I didn’t want to explore this type of sex, but I can’t believe he would betray me like this. He has broken my heart.
I’m 30, he’s 32 and we’ve been together for four years.
For the majority of our relationship things between us were amazing and our sexual chemistry was off the charts.
We were always great together, until one day he started talking about his desire to try BDSM and bondage. I’m no prude but for me this was too much.
I told him the idea made me uncomfortable, but he did not stop talking about it for weeks on end.
He had become obsessed with the idea of kinky sex and, no matter how many times I insisted I wasn’t interested, he kept pushing.
It was really starting to grate on me and our sex life took a hit but then, out of nowhere, he stopped mentioning it.
Now turns out that he has been getting his thrills from someone else.
I never thought he would cheat on me, so when I saw the notification from the bondage dating app pop up on his phone, my heart just sank.
He tried to defend himself by calling our sex boring and saying he needed to fulfil his needs elsewhere.
The last thing I want is to lose him, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to move on from this.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your trust has been deeply betrayed by your boyfriend, and coming back from this won’t be easy.
Only you can decide if you can forgive him.
But the fact he’s blaming your “boring sex life”; and not taking any responsibility is ringing alarm bells.
While it is possible to move on after cheating, if he is insistent on having bondage sessions, then realistically your relationship will keep coming up against this issue.
Either he agrees to give up on this fetish or you agree to try a milder form of it. If neither of you can compromise, you may have to accept this is not the relationship for you.
My support packs, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Fetish Worries, will help with where you can go from here.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Daughter demanding handouts
DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since I sold my business and came into a bit of money, my daughter has been expecting constant handouts.
I’ve always tried my best to support her throughout her life, but now I’ve put my foot down, and she’s refusing to talk to me.
I’m 62, and she’s 35. As a single mother, I worked tirelessly to provide for her and build a good life for us.
Now I’ve hit my retirement, I’ve finally cashed in on the business I started from the ground up, but my daughter won’t stop asking for cash.
I’m happy to give her some here and there, but she wants thousands of pounds for her mortgage.
I’ve put my foot down, but now she wants nothing to do with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your daughter is a grown adult, and you are not obliged to give her any money, so don’t give in to her.
If you do, it will only cause you to become resentful and put a further strain on your relationship.
It’s important you set some boundaries. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help.
Hopefully in time she will see the error of her ways. Seek support on estranged families through standalone.org.uk.
OUT OF THE BLUE, WIFE IS LEAVING
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER more than a decade together, my wife says she has fallen out of love with me and is moving out of our home.
I feel completely blindsided, and don’t know what to do.
I’m 37, she’s 35 and, until recently, I thought we were in a happy relationship.
We own a beautiful home and I thought we had a great life together. I was under the impression that things were good between us.
But a few weeks ago my wife sat me down and told me she was leaving.
At first I just thought she was pulling a prank on me. I couldn’t understand where this had all come from, and I struggled to make any sense of it. But she told me she had been miserable for some time and found our life boring.
Hearing those words come out of her mouth broke my heart into a million pieces.
I can’t even begin to imagine a life without her, so this has completely thrown me.
No matter how many times I’ve begged her to stay so we can work on things between us, she is insistent that our relationship has ended and she is definitely moving out.
I’m at an utter loss. How do I get her back?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s never nice to be rejected by someone you love, so I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you.
While it’s clear you would do anything to save your marriage, if your wife is set on her decision there’s only so much you can do.
Perhaps if you give her time, she will decide to return, but don’t put your life on pause hoping for this to happen.
The best thing that you can do now is to concentrate on picking up the pieces and then moving forward.
It will feel overwhelming at first, but with some time you will start to feel better.
My support pack Moving On will help.
You can also find advice and support through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).
Grief has driven me to drink
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I lost my wife to cancer three years ago, I’ve been drinking myself into oblivion.
Every day feels like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t cope.
I’m 53, and my wife and I were married for 20 years before she passed away.
She was everything I had ever dreamed of, and I could never have imagined living my life without her.
Watching her suffer for years killed me inside, and now that she’s actually gone I can’t find any hope in my future any more.
I wake up every morning hung over and drink myself to sleep every night. But nothing seems to numb the pain.
I know this isn’t the life she would have wanted for me, but moving on feels impossible.
DEIDRE SAYS: Grief is a long and painful journey and, while alcohol can feel like an escape, it just makes things worse.
You’ve asked for help, and that’s the first step.
Read my support packs Coping With Bereavement and Drink Problem?, which outline various places you can find support.
Some counselling will also help you find a way forward. Take a look at sueryder.org (0808 164 4572), which offers six weeks of free bereavement counselling.
