DEAR DEIDRE:IN our ten years together, my boyfriend has put me through the wringer – but still refuses to get down on one knee.
We’ve had two kids and I have got over his serial cheating. He always says he will propose when the time is right, but now I doubt that time will ever come.
I’m 39, he’s 41, and I would go as far as to say we’re without the paperwork or the ring.
Over the years I’ve caught him in a string of affairs with other women and while we’ve worked through them, they have left me feeling inadequate.
A part of me feels as if he’s always had one foot out of the door in our relationship and his reluctance to marry me hasn’t helped.
After all he has put me through, I want commitment, but he has come up with excuse after excuse.
First he wanted to wait until we were more financially stable.
Then, until we bought a house. After that he needed a new van, or we had another child on the way.
The excuses have been never-ending. Years have gone by, and he still hasn’t popped the question.
So many times I have tried to bring it up with him, but he always changes the subject.
I love him but he is making me question if he loves me. How do I solve this? I don’t want to force him — I want him to want to propose to me.
I’m ready to move forward in our , but he has us stuck on pause.
DEIDRE SAYS:His dallying is intensifying your trust issues. After a decade together, it makes sense that you are upset by his lack of commitment, especially considering his infidelity.
It sounds like he doesn’t realise what this means to you, and you don’t understand his resistance to proposing.
You need to have a frank conversation about your relationship.
Tell him that by constantly putting off proposing, he is making you question his commitment to you.
Ask him what is holding him back. Hopefully, with some open communication, you’ll find a resolution.
Talking this through with someone impartial will help. To find a qualified therapist, contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).
DRINKING HABIT IS RUINING MY LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter how hard I try, I can’t stop , and it’s ruining my life.
Every day, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to . I know I need to stop, but it feels impossible.
I’m a single 45-year-old man, and I’ve had a problem with booze since my early 20s.
But my habit really deteriorated once I divorced my wife five years ago. Now I can go through as many as five bottles of a week.
Often, I drink so much I black out and forget where I am. I know I’ve developed a real problem, but I just can’t stop.
I’ve tried seeking help and going to support groups, but I never stick to it.
Is there any hope for me? Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have taken the first step towards recovery by acknowledging you have a problem.
If you’re struggling to quit on your own, talk to your GP. They can suggest different types of help, support, services and treatment options available to you.
Read my support pack, Drink Problem?, which will also show you where you can get professional help.
WILL BRO’S WIFE RUIN NEW LOVE?
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of being single, I have finally met a lovely woman who I could see a future with.
But she’s in the same group as my sister-in-law, who I’m worried will ruin things.
I am 52, and I’ve been single since I broke up with my long-term partner more than ten years ago.
It’s not that I’m opposed to , but living in a small town has made it impossible to meet anyone.
That was until I met this woman on Dating. Instantly we hit it off and have been building a friendship ever since.
We have met for coffee a handful of times and have been on a few dog walks.
She is the first person I’ve properly connected with since my ex, and I’ve been feeling so hopeful about our potential. That was until I found out how closely linked she is to my brother’s wife.
My relationship with my sister-in-law is strained to say the least.
We’ve never been fond of each other, and over the years she has made a lot of unkind comments about my relationship status.
She’s even gone as far as starting rumours that I could be gay. Now, I’m worried about what she might say to this new woman, and concerned that she could scare her off. How do I stop my sister-in-law ruining my chances?
DEIDRE SAYS: While you can’t control what your sister-in-law will say, you can control how you react to it.
Nobody who is worth your time will feed into lies told by other people.
If this woman is right for you, she will believe you based on your actions, not someone else’s words.
If the conversation does come up, you can explain your side of the story, but there is no need to divulge anything unless that happens.
As for your sister-in-law, if she starts causing trouble, my support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you to have an assertive conversation with her.
