Dear Deidre: Understanding the impact of ghosting DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD an incredible night of sex with a colleague but am now convinced she’ll abandon me – just like my new bride did six months ago.
I’m a married man but separated from my wife after she announced to me that she had been cheating.
We had barely unpacked from our honeymoon when my wife, who is 25, came home one evening and confessed she had almost left me at the altar because she had been having an affair with her first love.
She then did leave me, to run to him — and I was bereft. But I’ve since picked myself up and have had some nights out.
Recently, I was invited go bowling with my team from work and got chatting to a colleague.
I’d noticed her in the past but thought she was attached. She told me she was newly single and she was 28. I’m 30.
We got along so well I invited her for a drink the following night and we ended up back in her flat having wonderful sex.
She admitted that she’d liked me from a distance but hadn’t taken things further as she’s moving to Germany soon for a long-term work project.
Now I’m in a headspin. I really think she could be the one for me.
I know we are both recently out of relationships but if she goes to start her new life and thinks it was just a one-night stand, I’ll miss my chance.
Do I go with my gut feeling and tell her I think that we could be good together?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Well, what do you have to lose? You don’t have to propose now, or even ask her if she’d like to become an official item.
But do tell her you really like her and would love to share more than just a one-night stand.
Ask if you can stay in touch. A relationship may then grow naturally and, who knows, perhaps you can visit her in Germany.
But her move may give you both enough time and space to take things at a manageable pace.
You have just come out of your disastrous marriage so it’s important to make sure you aren’t just on the rebound.
You’ve had a tough time so don’t rush into looking for wife number two.
Your colleague may have a change of heart while she is out in Germany.
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IT’S GAME OVER ALL TOO FAST
DEAR DEIDRE: I COUNT sheep in my head so that I don’t climax too quickly when having sex.
My girlfriend says she is left frustrated and unfulfilled because I am unable to last longer.
She’s 24 and I’m 23. We get along great apart from this issue.
It took a while for us to have sex because I know what I’m like in bed – and when we did it for the first time, it was over in a minute.
If she puts her hand anywhere near my penis, it’s game over.
I’m now really stressed about it, which isn’t helping.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not far off the mark with counting sheep – anything to keep your mind off what is physically happening to you can help.
Stressing will only make it worse, but an early climax is easily put right.
Tell your girlfriend you need her support and ask her not to touch you sexually until you have got her fully aroused.
Only have sex with her when she is ready.
Simply having sex a second time soon afterwards can make all the difference.
Once you break the pattern, it can build your confidence.
My support pack Want To Last Longer? has other tips.
BROTHER-IN-LAW ABUSED MY TEEN
DEAR DEIDRE: THE police turned up at my door to tell me they had found naked images of my daughter on my brother-in-law’s laptop.
To say I was shocked was an understatement.
I’m a single mum, my daughter is 16 but she has been going to my sister and brother-in-law’s after school since she was nine years old.
Their son is the same age and in the same school, and they would have her most nights after school – unless she was at her gym class – while I worked in the hospital.
I talked to my daughter about the computer images and she broke down.
She said he’s been abusing her since she was 11. It would happen while my brother-in-law was working from home and my sister taking her son to football practice.
She sobbed and sobbed and said she was scared to tell me.
She wasn’t sure if it was normal in families but as she hit her teenage years, she realised it wasn’t. Still, she didn’t know how to start the conversation with me.
He’s 45, and my sister is 41 and taking the side of her husband over this – she has accused my daughter of lying. But the police say the case is clear, because of the photographic evidence.
I’m 40 and have now been signed off work with stress. I now dread having to face my brother-in-law in court.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry this has been happening to your daughter – and been done by someone who should have protected her.
It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. But the effects of sexual abuse are far-reaching, not just for the victim.
You could contact We Stand (westand.org.uk, 0800 980 1958), which is a charity that supports non-abusing parents and carers of sexually abused children. They offer parent workshops which will help you.
Talk to your daughter’s school – through them you will be able to organise counselling for her.
My support pack Abused As A Child outlines sources of additional support.
Regret for grabbing wife's neck
DEAR DEIDRE: I GRABBED my wife by the throat in a fit of rage, and have moved out for now but regret it all so much.
We’re in our late thirties and have always had a volatile relationship.
It’s no excuse, but she goads me.
We had a row about her buying a pair of designer shoes – she is a teacher, I’m a window cleaner and we don’t have that sort of money.
When the shoes arrived, I was livid, but she started yelling at me about how much I spend on fishing gear.
The row escalated and she asked me to leave. I went to grab a suitcase but she came after me and threw my phone at the wall.
I saw red and grabbed her but came to my senses and stopped. She then screamed: “Just go!”;
I’m at my mum’s now. How can I convince her that I’m sorry?
DEIDRE SAYS: It will be hard for her to forgive and forget.
She was probably terrified. Your relationship sounds toxic from both sides and if you hadn’t stopped yourself, you might have killed her.
My support pack Managing Anger tells about organisations that can help you urgently.
Only then can you talk to her about reconciling – but don’t count on it.
