DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner has announced he is going on holiday to Thailand in a few weeks with some of his friends.
I’m gutted because he’s always known that my dream is to go there — and I’m convinced he’s going to get up to no good with women.
I’m 39 and my partner is 44. We’ve been together for three years. We get on well and do love each other, but he hasn’t wanted sex for almost a year.
He is kind and affectionate, but not intimate. I thought it was down to his age and, without putting pressure on him, I told him how it makes me feel unwanted and unattractive.
I then discovered he’d been in contact with an escort. There were voice notes on his phone.
I didn’t listen to them, but when I asked him about it, he completely denied there was anything to worry about.
He goes into denial whenever he doesn’t want to admit things. We don’t live together, so I don’t know what he gets up to when I’m not there. Then he announ-ced this holiday.
Now I don’t feel that I can trust him because he’s become so cagey about his whereabouts.
His mates are pretty shady characters. They are all bad influences on each other.
My partner says he won’t cheat, but I’m worried.
I know the obvious thing would be to walk away, but I love him.
DEIDRE SAYS:Whether your partner has had with someone else or not, there are clearly lots of problems in your relationship that need sorting before he can ever make you happy.
He shouldn’t be exchanging messages with anyone else while in an exclusive with you.
You need him to be honest with you. Your trust has been shattered. He must take ownership of how much he has hurt you. You deserve better treatment than this.
My support pack, Addictive Love, will help you think this through.
I would recommend you go to counselling. Talking things through with a trained therapist will help you decide your next steps.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.
SELF-HARM SECRET IS HOW I COPE
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M a woman of 36 who is self-harming. I have never told anyone about my secret before.
I find it really hard to confide in people about how I feel, even my family. I work for our local council and the only person I can talk to is my manager.
My trouble rules my life. I suffer from after I was sexually assaulted as a child.
One member of my family died in a riding accident and another friend took his own life.
I have been through a traumatic time. I’ve had counselling, but didn’t tell the therapist I had got to the stage where I was self-harming.
Now I cover my arms because they are so scarred.
I am trying really hard to stop and open up more, but at the moment it’s very much a work in progress.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much pain and heartache.
Self-harm is a way of handling the emotional pain you are feeling. It might bring immediate relief in the short term, but the underlying issues will remain.
My support pack, Understanding Self-Harm, explains more about this and where to get help.
DEPRESSED BY HUBBY'S DEBTS
DEAR DEIDRE: DESPITE my husband always telling me he has very well-paid , I have had to bail us out several times.
I’m 62 and he is 63. We’ve been married for 12 years. I have an adult son from a previous relationship. I’ve always been very independent and never relied on anyone else financially.
I thought I was marrying my equal, with the same values and goals, but clearly that’s not the case.
I now have no savings and have had to give up work due to poor health. I am totally reliant on my husband.
He pays our bills and gives me for food, but he has many . He’s always getting letters saying he has missed payments. He hides them from me but sometimes I see them.
I am very worried, as I’m very careful with money. I suggested we should work out a budget, but he simply refuses to tell me how much he earns every month.
We have had several terrible arguments about it. I have a feeling he is hiding something, as he fobs me off saying he will “sort things out”; and not to worry about it – but this has been going on for almost two years.
I am depressed and lonely and don’t know what to do. I feel trapped with no money, no income and nowhere to go.
DEIDRE SAYS: Money is the number one issue that people fight over in their relationships, and it does sound as if your husband is in denial about how bad things are.
Keeping financial secrets is an abuse of trust that a relationship is built upon. He may feel guilt or shame, especially if he has debts or other addictions.
Pick a moment to talk to him again and explain the impact this secrecy is having, and explain you are having thoughts about ending your .
My support packs Family Finances and Solving Debt Problems may be of help.
