DEAR DEIDRE:BRUISES on my wife’s inner thighs have convinced me that she has been cheating with other men.
She’s admitted to one affair, but I’m sure she’s been repeatedly unfaithful since then too, which she denies.
I love her and won’t leave her. I just want her to be honest with me. We’re in our late 40s and have been for 20 years, with grown-up kids.
A couple of years ago, I discovered she’d had a two-year affair with a man from work.
I forgave her and said we should put it behind us.
Everything seemed fine until about six months ago, when I started to notice signs that she was up to no good again. She was always messaging secretly on her phone, just like the first time.
She often had to work late, or meet clients in the evening. Then, to my shock, I came across a letter from a sexual clinic giving her an appointment time.
When I asked her about it, she shrugged and said she was just having a general check-up.
The other morning, she was in the mood for sex, which rarely happens. Halfway through, I noticed finger-shaped bruises on her thighs.
I can’t imagine how they could have got there, except for during sex.
My gut feeling is telling me she’s been sleeping with other guys, but I can’t prove anything.
I’ve asked her straight out, and even told her that she doesn’t have to be afraid to tell me the truth because I would forgive her anything.
This is driving me crazy. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS:This might be hard to hear, but I wonder if the fact you’ve told her it doesn’t matter whether she cheats – that you’ll forgive her for anything – is part of the problem.
Perhaps she feels that admitting cheating will cause upset and arguments, but won’t have any real consequences, so why bother?
And maybe she’s having lots of affairs because you’re letting her – she’s pushing you to see what it will take for you to say “enough is enough”;.
Either way, the relationship has become toxic, and I’m worried for you. Loving someone doesn’t mean letting them behave however they like, even if it hurts you.
You may need to accept that your marriage isn’t working.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you have a more productive conversation with her.
Also think about having counselling, alone or together. See my support pack about this.
THANK YOU FOR… YOUR HELP AFTER DEATH OF MY BABY
DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since my baby son died of , I found myself unable to .
I was exhausted but I’d lie awake, thinking about the traumatic days and nights my wife and I spent in the ’s hospital with him.
Sometimes, if I did drop off, I’d wake up in the night sobbing.
He was only a year old when he died from a brain tumour. I’m in my late 30s.
His death shattered me. I wrote to you, begging for help.
You suggested I contact The Compassionate Friends (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304), which offers support and friendship to bereaved parents and their families, and read your support packs, Coping With Bereavement and Sleep Problems.
You said it sounded like I had , which Assist Trauma Care (assist traumacare.org.uk, 01788 551 919) could help me with.
You were so kind and understanding and took the time to write back to me. Although I know that it will take me a long time to grieve and start moving forward, your help was invaluable.
It made me feel I wasn’t so alone.
DEIDRE SAYS: Talking to you about your lovely son moved me so much. Things will get better for you and remember, I am always here for you.
I WANT TO WARN EX’S NEW WOMAN THAT HE’S ABUSIVE
DEAR DEIDRE: LEAVING my abusive ex cost me almost everything, but he’s got off scot-free.
Now he has a new partner, who has a child, and I want to tell her what he was like, but I fear she’ll just view me as a bitter ex-wife.
I’m in my 40s with a ten-year-old son. Two years ago, I finally walked away from the man who had been emotionally and physically abusive to me and my child.
He turned everyone against me, and even my employer didn’t believe me.
He gaslit everyone to think I was mentally unstable.
By the end, I was suicidal. I only got out because I feared for our son’s life.
When I left, I tried, unsuccessfully, to put a disclosure on his record. But I’ve now found out that he’s met and moved in with a new woman, who also has a young child.
I’m scared for her, but I also feel angry that he’s got away with everything. He has moved on and is living happily, while I still bear the scars of what he did and am struggling to get by.
Should I get in touch and tell her the truth about him? Will she believe me?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been through a terrible ordeal and your feelings are natural.
There are two issues here – your understandable need to make him pay for his behaviour, and your desire to protect the other woman and her child.
Please don’t rush into contacting her.
Even if she believes you, he is dangerous and it could rebound both on you and your child, and on her.
Get some urgent professional advice from nspcc.org.uk, 0808 800 5000.
You can also contact the police and Social Services and ask for their help.
My support packs, Protecting Kids From Abuse and Worried A Child Is At Risk?, contain helpful information and sources of support.
