DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN the angry faces of two strangers popped up in a video call from my husband’s phone, I knew that something was very wrong.
And sure enough, it didn’t take long for these two Spanish men, in their broken English, to get the message across that my husband had dumped their younger sister and broken her heart.
Apparently they had been together for two years and he’d never told her that he was married.
I’m 37, he’s 39, and we’ve been married for more than eight years in what I thought was a happy and healthy relationship.
We have had countless conversations over the years about our boundaries, and until now he’d never once given me a reason to doubt him.
As he works as a freelance videographer, his job takes him all over the globe, and sometimes he would be working away for weeks at a time.
While it’s hard being apart so much, we always tried our best to stay connected and check in with each other during those trips.
He’s done a lot of work in Spain over the last couple of years. I missed him but wanted him to enjoy his work so always gave my blessing.
So when I received a FaceTime call from him, I was so excited to have a proper catch-up. That was until I answered the phone and was greeted by these men I didn’t recognise.
Before I had a chance to ask who they were, they panned the phone’s camera over to my husband, who was sitting there in the background with his head in his hands.
My heart sank as they told me that he’d been sleeping with their sister.
They had been “together”; for two years and he had finished their relationship around the same time she found out he was married.
They hung up swiftly after, and I was left to sit in shock for hours before my husband rang me back. He begged for my forgiveness and said it had been all a huge mistake.
He even offered to come home early, but I told him no, because I needed space.
Now I’m at a complete loss about what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is hardly surprising you are struggling to come to terms with this.
Your husband has betrayed you and shattered the trust in your relationship.
While it is possible for couples to recover from infidelity, it’s you who needs to figure out if you can move past this.
The trust will take time to rebuild, and you would need to give your husband a chance to prove himself.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you work through your feelings.
If you decide to give him another chance, some relationship counselling would be essential.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
WIFE JUST USES HER SEX TOY
DEAR DEIDRE:MY wife’s moans and heavy breathing turn me on, but they also bother me because she is using an almost silent vibrator on herself.
I have no objection to her pleasuring herself – I did it a lot when I was younger – but she denies using a sex toy and accuses me of being obsessed whenever I confront her.
I am 55 and my wife is 51. We have been married for 20 years.
My health has not been great over the past 12 months after I had a mini-stroke, and we have got out of the habit of having sex.
My wife regularly has nights of passion alone. I know this because I can hear her moans – and usually the bed moves and the covers rustle too.
I only wish that she would be open about it and even involve me.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is common for people in a relationship to engage in secret masturbation, but ask your wife to share the fun with you.
Let her know you find the idea of her having orgasms a turn-on.
She may have taken your confrontation as disapproval and become worried that you might feel threatened.
Try not to see the vibrator as competition, but as a new way to enhance your sexual connection with your wife.
Explain to her that you love her and miss being close in the intimacy of sex.
My support pack Great Sex At Any Age will help you too.
I CAN’T STOP FANTASIES OF WOMEN
DEAR DEIDRE:I KEEP on fantasising about other women even though I love my girlfriend and want to be happy.
I am 24 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been together for four months and get on so well. Our sex life is great too.
She is so hot and I am in love with her but I can’t stop thinking about having sex with other women, especially when I am out drinking with my mates and my girlfriend is not with me.
Drinking definitely puts my mind into overdrive and whether it’s a barmaid, a stranger or even one of my girlfriend’s mates, I can’t stop myself from thinking about taking them to bed.
I want to enjoy my relationship and focus on my girlfriend, but my mind keeps wandering to these other women. It makes me feel so guilty. It’s like I have sex on the brain.
DEIDRE SAYS: There is nothing wrong with fantasising about other women even when you are in a committed relationship.
It is normal behaviour, as long as you don’t act on your feelings and betray your girlfriend in the process.
Make sure sex with your girlfriend is varied and fulfilling for you both.
Cut down on alcohol too, which loosens inhibitions.
My support pack Sexual Fantasies And You explains more.
