Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I snuggled up to my husband on the sofa and made a move on him, he pushed me away.
It’s left me so hurt — but what he has said since is even worse.
I’m a woman of 39 and he’s 42. We’ve been married for eight months.
It was a whirlwind relationship and we’d only been together for six months before he asked me if I would marry him.
I thought I knew him, but apparently not.
One of the things I did know was that he was single for five years before we met and used pornography a lot.
I forgot about this until last Friday. We’d both had a tough week at work and I was looking forward to the weekend.
I cooked a lovely meal and we opened some wine.
We were cosied up on the sofa watching telly and I kissed him and moved to touch him, but he stood up, saying that wasn’t what he wanted. I was shocked.
I asked him for an explanation and he said that he didn’t feel like it.
The next day, I brought it up again and I asked him if he’d had sex with a webcam girl, because I know he used to do that a lot.
He denied it but he said he’s gone off sex with me.
He then said that if he could have sex with another woman, “it might reignite the spark”;.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating Nobody has ever said I was rubbish in bed so now I’m beginning to feel so rejected and unattractive.
Is our marriage over? Should I let him have the fling he wants?
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DEIDRE SAYS: No, you most certainly should not. It would leave you feeling much worse if he had sex with somebody else – online or in person.
Instead of trying to sort this out alone, tell your husband that you love him and you want to be able to enjoy a good sex life together.
He may have become over- reliant on porn which will be dulling his real-world appetite.
Let him know this can’t continue and that his behaviour leaves you feeling low.
You can find support locally through an organisation called The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635).
My support pack, Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive, will give you further things to try until you get an appointment.
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‘WITCHES' MAKE WORK DAYS AWFUL
DEAR DEIDRE: I STOPPED working shifts so I could do a nine-to-five job now that my kids are at school, but I hate it.
The women I work with are awful. It’s like being in a witches’ coven.
I work in a clothes factory where we sew all day. They bitch about one another or the management, who I find really lovely.
I stupidly confided in one of them about my marriage problems and she couldn’t wait to broadcast my secrets to the others.
I’m so embarrassed. Now everyone knows my private business.
I’m 37 and beginning to dread going into work.
Sometimes they even bully the younger staff.
DEIDRE SAYS: If their conversations are intolerable, try to change the subject.
If it doesn’t stop, move away, take a break if you can, or wear headphones so they know you don’t want to hear the nasty comments.
You have a right to work in a happy environment so keep a note of what’s going on and report it to the management if necessary.
If things don’t improve, keep a look out for a different role, either internally or externally.
My support pack, Help For Job Hunters, may be useful.
BITTER EX LYING TO GET MY CASH
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-partner has lied to the Child Maintenance Service about me and now she’s trying to turn the kids against me.
She is doing it as punishment because I’ve moved on with my life and have a new girlfriend.
We broke up two years ago. Since then, we have shared childcare equally.
As well as our house, we have a little flat which we used to rent out, but now we have split up, we take it in turns to stay there while the other stays in the family home with the kids.
Birdnesting, as it is called, was working fine until the children told my ex-wife that I’ve got a new girlfriend.
My girlfriend phoned me when I was with them, so my secret was out.
I’ve always paid towards our children’s upkeep, but now my ex-wife has told the Child Maintenance Service that I only look after them one night a week in a bid to make me pay her more money. But it is a lie.
I protested and she told them I have them two nights a week – still a lie.
I’ve just had a demand asking for more money, yet we both work and earn the same amounts and I help out with the bills.
I’m 42 and my wife is 39. I’d do anything for my kids. Why can’t she accept I’ve moved on from her, but not my children?
DEIDRE SAYS: She’s angry and hitting you where it hurts – your wallet.
If you can prove to the Child Maintenance Service that she’s not telling the truth, show them the evidence.
You can find out if you are paying too much or too little through the calculator at gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance.
Make contact with your ex and explain that the arguments are going to upset the children. She should be encouraged to move on, too.
If she won’t listen, you can find impartial help in sorting this out through National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk, 0300 4000 636).
NOT ‘BIG ENOUGH' FOR HER
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a “grower”; not a “shower”; in the trouser department, but my girlfriend says it isn’t long enough.
We are both 25 and have been together for three months.
She has had a few sexual partners. I’ve had just two, but I’ve never had any complaints before.
So I was shocked when we were in bed last night and I went to have sex with her but she dismissed me, saying I wasn’t big enough.
We had both been drinking, which I think gave her the courage to say something.
I’ve never had any illusions about my penis size but was surprised she said she wants extra length.
There’s not much I can do about it, is there?
DEIDRE SAYS: No, I’m afraid not but it isn’t the length or girth which makes difference to a partner’s pleasure.
If she understood more about her own body, she’d know that.
Most women need extra stimulation of the clitoris and surrounding area to achieve an orgasm.
My support packs, How To Thrill A Woman In Bed and Understanding Female Pleasure, explain a lot more.
It sounds like it would be worth getting your girlfriend to read them also.
