DEAR DEIDRE: READING saucy messages from my husband to a woman colleague was awful – and it got even worse when I saw what he thought about me.
According to him she is “stunning”;, while I “look like I’ve just got out of bed”;.
He wants to take her to bed all day long, while he never wants to touch me.
And, the most hurtful, she makes him feel good, while he finds me “repulsive”;.
Like most other married couples, our sex life has slowed down but I thought he was happy with me.
We are both in our late-40s and have been married for 26 years.
I don’t dress up all the time but I do make an effort when we go out and I still exercise regularly.
I was so upset after seeing the constant stream of flirty — and personally insulting — messages that I confronted my husband.
Rather than apologise, or ask for forgiveness, he’s told me not to be so nosey and even accused me of being overly sensitive.
He insisted I was making a big drama out of nothing and they were simply friendly workmates.
He did tell me he would delete the messenger app they were talking on, but I’ve been checking regularly and it’s still there.
Not only that, the flirty messages are continuing. I don’t know if they have cheated in real life but even if they haven’t it feels as if they are building up to that.
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The latest development is they have started to send each other sexy pictures.
It’s like standing on the roadside slowly watching an avoidable collision.
I’m not sure what I can do. My husband is doing exactly what he wants with no consideration for me and I feel like I have no say in anything.
I’ve seen photos of this other woman and she looks very high maintenance. I can’t compete with that.
DEIDRE SAYS:Your husband has created a narrative that leaves you feeling powerless. He is lying to you and manipulating you.
Even if he hasn’t physically cheated on you, these suggestive messages are not the acts of someone in a committed relationship.
And that is before you even consider the saucy photos they are exchanging.
Colleagues, even ones who get on, don’t sext each other and they certainly don’t denigrate their partners.
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I’m afraid to say your husband is showing some serious narcissistic traits.
Just because he isn’t listening to you doesn’t mean that you don’t have a say.
You can choose whether you stay with him or not.
One thing is clear – continuing to live without love, respect or consideration will only cause you damage.
My support pack How Counselling Can Help will explain how you can get the support you need because you deserve so much better than this.
WHY DO I FIND SEX SO DULL?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend is very loving and supportive, but I have no interest in having sex at all.
I’d rather have a cup of tea in bed than a kiss and cuddle.
It just doesn’t seem to do it for me. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it is boring.
I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together for just over two years. We get on so well except when it comes to the bedroom.
This is my second serious relationship and my first boyfriend finished with me because there was no passion. I hear women talk about orgasms and urges – but neither are things I’ve ever experienced.
My boyfriend is so understanding and wants to help.
He has tried everything to get me interested, but nothing seems to get my sex drive going. I worry that I might lose my boyfriend as he will get bored with me.
I don’t know what to do to change this. I am starting to think there is something wrong with me.
DEIDRE SAYS:If you’ve never enjoyed sex much, perhaps it’s because you and your boyfriend don’t know enough about female sexuality.
During sex, pay attention to what feels good for you and what turns you on and tell your boyfriend.
Masturbation is a great way to explore your sexuality and work out what turns you on.
My support pack Understanding Female Pleasure explains more.
SIS NEVER GIVES ME ANY SPACE
DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING with my sister means I never get time to myself. She has no social life and never goes out.
I’m her 59-year-old brother and am divorced with no children. My sister’s 65 and single.
We’ve lived together for almost ten years since our mum died and left us the family home.
I love my sister. She has always been good to me and she has a heart of gold.
She is fantastic at keeping our home spick and span but she never ventures outdoors. She is starting to get on my nerves, but I would feel bad if I were to tell her.
She retired from her job as a teacher a few years ago.
I have subtly suggested that she investigates volunteering but she is content to potter in the garden, read and watch endless television programmes.
DEIDRE SAYS: Living with a sibling can be challenging but you’ve successfully navigated this for ten years.
After a long career teaching, your sister is no doubt glad of the peace and tranquillity of home.
Pick a moment to talk to her about needing some free time for yourself, otherwise your frustration could get the better of you, causing a row you would regret.
Perhaps you could divide your home into communal and separate areas to establish some autonomy.
CUT OFF FROM FAMILY AFTER HOLIDAY ROW
DEAR DEIDRE:AFTER a holiday from hell, my son has not spoken to me, nor have I seen my lovely grandson.
I am 57. My son and daughter-in-law invited me to go on holiday with them to Spain and I was overjoyed as I love spending time with them.
We all get on so well, or so I thought.
Everything was fine at first although I do have to bite my tongue on occasion as, although he is adorable, I think my seven-year-old grandson does seem to call the shots.
One morning, I decided to go to a little cafe I’d spotted on the beach.
I didn’t know that my family had organised a special birthday lunch for me.
They couldn’t reach me on my mobile, as I had left it charging back in my room. I didn’t intend to stay at the cafe for long, but I fell into conversation with some other Brits on holiday and the time just flew by.
When I did return to the apartment, I apologised for being out so long, but there was a big argument and my son told me to leave and not come back.
The rest of the holiday was a nightmare.
I have always been a hands-on grandma, often looking after my grandson during the holidays and babysitting at the drop of a hat but now we are back home they have cut me off.
I am so upset, but I don’t know how to handle this. I’d love things to get back to normal, and maybe invite them all over.
DEIDRE SAYS: No parent likes to be criticised over how they are raising their children, and although you kept your counsel, they will no doubt have picked up on your disapproval.
Your son will likely be regretting the row now. Send him a text saying how much you love and miss them all, and you are sorry you have all fallen out.
I hope they will accept your apology and that you can invite them round for Sunday lunch soon.
