DEAR DEIDRE:I’M so scared of my lover’s husband that I fear for my life every time I leave my home.
But I’ve fallen for her so hard I can’t imagine giving her up. What should I do?
I’m 28 and my lover is 30. We met in the pub where she is a barmaid.
She’s gorgeous and funny — completely my type.
One night, we got chatting and I ended up staying until closing. She was very flirty.
She told me she had a much older husband, who was the jealous type, and she wasn’t happy with him.
He came to pick her up at the end of her shift and gave me evil looks. Undeterred, I started going to that pub as often as I could, just to talk to her.
One night, we had a sneaky kiss round the back of the pub.
The sexual tension was insane and she’s since come back to my house twice after her shift for sex.
We were messaging constantly, I told her how much I liked her, and that I wanted a full .
She told me she wanted that too. She planned to leave her husband. But then he found the messages on her phone and kicked off.
He sent me a threatening message, telling me to keep away from her. He’s even been hanging around the end of my street.
Now I’m terrified to go out of my front door in case he beats me up, let alone go to the pub. She managed to send me a message from another phone telling me she wants to see me.
I’m madly in love with her and have no idea what to do. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: This man sounds dangerous. It’s natural that he’s angry his wife is having an affair, but he has no right to threaten or stalk you.
Please report him to the .
You can find support through stalkinghelpline.org (0808 802 0300), who can also help with finding a solicitor.
I’m also worried about your lover. If her husband is jealous, angry and the violent type, she may be in danger. Tell her to contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) and to read my Abusive Partner support pack.
You might like to read another of mine, Your Lover Not Free.
You’d be wise to cool things off, neither of you are safe and until your lover is genuinely free, this situation will only escalate.
DRUGGY PALS HIS PRIORITY
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER my partner hangs out with his druggy friends, he blows all his wages and we end up having a huge fight.
It’s ruining our relationship, but he refuses to give them up, and I’m right at the end of my tether.
We’ve been together for 18 months and are both in our early 30s.
I knew he had a past when we met, but he claimed he’d put all that behind him.
However, he meets up with his old mates every month or so, and each time he falls back into his old ways – drinking too much, , and not answering his phone or coming home on time.
I’ve told him they’re a bad influence and that I can’t trust him when he’s around them, but he won’t break ties.
Should I walk away?
DEIDRE SAYS: Trust is vital in a relationship, and you can’t trust your partner around his old mates.
It sounds like he’s taking you for granted and prioritising them, drugs and alcohol over you. You deserve better.
Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. It doesn’t sound like it’s enhancing your life at all.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, should help if you decide to break up.
HE’S BLOWN OUR MONEY ON PORN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner has stolen from our joint bank account to buy .
I’m now certain he has an addiction, but he denies it, saying he only watches it occasionally. What can I do to save our relationship?
I’m 52 and he’s 46. We’ve been together for 15 years. He has always enjoyed porn, but the amount of time he spends on it has increased lately.
He’s always going off to the garage, saying he’s working on his car, but I know he’s actually online. The car never gets fixed and he comes back looking sheepish.
I’m no prude, but I feel like he prioritises porn over our relationship. He doesn’t want sex with me, saying he’s never in the mood.
It’s the lying and sneaking around I can’t bear. Taking money from our joint account – funds we’d saved for a holiday – was the last straw for me.
He said he used it for something he needed for work, but I researched the name – it was an online porn site.
It feels like a betrayal. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he tells me I’m making a fuss over nothing, and that all men watch porn.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to worry and to feel hurt and betrayed. Your partner’s porn habit does sound like it’s got out of control, and it’s having a negative effect on your relationship – clear signs of an addiction.
The problem is, he’s in denial. Unless he accepts that he has an issue, it will be very difficult to help him get the professional support he needs.
Perhaps you could give him my support packs, Is Porn Ruining Your Life? and Pornography Worry, to read.
Tell him how worried you are and ask him to be honest with you so that you can both get the help you need.
Contact the Laurel Centre, which offers porn addiction counselling for addicts and their partners (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 01926 339594).
