When The Traitors star Alexander Dragonetti talks about his little brother, James, his smile widens and his eyes light up.
Then the tears come.
He says: “James was my North Star, my world was SO much brighter with him in it. He lit up rooms with a magnetic personality that drew people to him. He was always the cooler brother. And then he wasn’t there.”;
came third in the final of this year's series of , watched by 7.4million viewers.
In an earlier episode, where contestants discussed how they would spend the prize , he revealed his brother, who had learning disabilities, had died aged 17.
The former diplomat explained that, should he win, he would give some of the money to the charity that had hosted summer camps for disabled children, which James loved.
Fans were so moved by this unexpected sadness in Alexander’s life, that a small group started and cash poured in for learning charity Mencap.
Today Alexander, 38, tells me the fundraising in his name that reached around £95,000 – more than the £94,600 shared by Traitor’s winners and .
He says: “It’s better than winning. I was going to give a significant amount to Mencap.
“I wanted to keep the charity that gave my brother the time of his life at residential camps over summers in good financial .”;
Alexander never named his brother on the show. He explains now that was because he found it deeply painful to discuss James after his death 14 years ago.
He says: “For years I didn’t talk about him with my parents or friends. I felt his memory was so incredibly important that I couldn’t jeopardise it by sharing it with other people. It was too important to change in any way or to allow to be out in the world.
“It turns out that’s not true. The best way to honour someone’s memory is to talk about them.
“Not talking was a form of grief and a way of avoiding something that was incredibly hard. It’s like having a pointed stake through your chest and you spend your life manoeuvring around it, pretending it’s not there. There’s no freedom in that, it’s no life.
“It’s only in the last few years I have acknowledged what happened. My friends have been incredible, getting me back to the point where you could almost absorb the stake, drive it into your heart so that it becomes part of you and you are not constrained by grief.”;
He adds: “If you’d asked me three years ago, I wouldn’t have talked about my brother on national TV.
“It was a really tough call. But the idea of making what it’s like to have a learning disability seen was an incredible opportunity. The show handled it beautifully and I am immensely grateful for every donation viewers have made.”;
James was born when Alexander was seven and was later diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay (a catch-all term for learning disability) and .
Alexander clearly adored him.
He says: “My brother didn’t speak until he was seven and spoke in broken sentences after that but it was absolutely irrelevant, he had a personality that drew people to him.
“I would go to the Mencap residential camps with him, as a carer for other kids. James would have ten carers welcoming him on arrival and he’d run off, getting all the attention, leaving me standing there like a lemon.
Sporting power
“He never learnt to tie his shoelaces or dress appropriately for the weather. When he was younger he would spin saucepan lids or plates for hours. He would collect bottles and take the labels off so if we went to friends’ houses they’d never know what was in their bottles after we left.
“He loved sport. He played with the local cricket club, who were incredibly kind. The other non-disabled kids absorbed him into the team.
“Having a community like that that cared about him was lovely.
“When we played golf together, he’d deliberate extremely seriously for a while about which club to use, looking for all the world like golfer Greg Norman, and then say: ‘I take the whacker!.
“He was a fun guy.”;
He adds: “People with learning disabilities have no artifice, they can’t pretend to be something else. And I love that. The level of joy is hard to understand if you don’t know people in this world.
“James had infinite joy for things he loved and there’s real beauty in that.
“He saw the world in the best light, which was surprising because the world wasn’t always kind to him. He couldn’t ever believe it when people were nasty, he found that difficult to comprehend.”;
Alexander quickly came to see his role as the older sibling as a protector and that shaped his own life choices, including becoming a diplomat.
He says: “It’s a privilege to have someone in your family with special needs, There are enormous upsides, it gives you a purpose that’s crystal clear, my job was to protect my brother. My parents would get old eventually and I would become his primary support and that was my job, it’s what I was on this earth to do.
“That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I had to become strong, unbreakable. After university I taught in a north London school with some really challenging pupils and a full-time policeman in school.
James was my north star. He made the world bright
Alexander Dragonetti
“I went to the Middle East, I spent time in conflict zones, I went to Pakistan, Nigeria. These are tough environments with tough roles.
“I was driven by this desire to become unbreakable so that I would never be found wanting when it came to my brother.
“I also wanted to make the world a bit of a better place. That wouldn’t have been there without my brother so I’m hugely fortunate.
“The flip side is I found it challenging to be vulnerable and feel emotions.”;
Hospital dash
James was watching one of his favourite TV shows Last Of The Summer Wine when he died.
Aged 24, Alexander helped carry his little brother’s coffin at his funeral.
Alexander says: “His heart stopped beating and his head went down. The ambulance came really quickly, my dad went with him.
“It was a complete surprise. I was in London, I got a text from my mum, then my phone battery ran out and I ran across the street to a pub screaming and begging for a phone.
“Then I got a taxi to the countryside where she lives.The taxi driver was a Muslim. I am not religious but this poor driver prayed with me.
“I drove Mum to the hospital at what felt like a hundred miles an hour. My dad phoned when when we were on the motorway and said “there’s no need to rush”;. James had died. I just kept driving fast. It was the only bit I could control in that moment.
I was driven by this desire to become unbreakable so that I would never be found wanting when it came to my brother.
Alexander Dragonetti
“I wanted to believe I could bend the universe to protect James, it was my one job. It didn’t matter what that took. I would be strong enough when the call came.
“I put myself in all those situations that would make me strong so that when the time came down I couldn’t be broken. I would have thrown myself in front of a bus for my brother without thinking twice. When it came to it I failed.
“That’s been so hard to live with. Everyone says you didn’t fail, it was nothing to do with me, but that’s how the brain works.”;
It’s thought James died because he had a virus that quietly passed across to his heart causing a heart attack. There were no symptoms.”
Today Alexander’s determination to mark James’ life means he has a new role as a high-profile Mencap supporter, using his experience as a sibling and his Traitors fame to highlight the charity’s work. He has also begun presenting for Classic FM.
The money raised will go towards respite activities and holidays for people with a learning disability like James, as well as enabling the charity to continue providing their information, advice and campaigning services. The £95,000 will be used across the network to fund holidays for more children like James.
Alexander’s family went through the battles with local authorities that many parents and siblings of a disabled child, regardless of background, will recognise.
His mum reduced her working hours to be there for James and the family were forced to go to “Tribunal”; – a special legal panel – four times to secure support for him.
Flying Eze is running its campaign to highlight the difficulties faced by families and stop funding cuts to services.
Alexander says: “Mencap’s aim is to make the UK the best place to be if you are someone with a learning disability. I like that idea. In Britain have wonderful values, we’re not big on ego, we’re big on caring for each other. The ingredients are there, let’s apply them to children, who need them.”;
- To find out more about Mencap’s work or to donate, visit mencap.org.uk
