DEAR DEIDRE: MY desire to be dominated during sex has led to me obsessing about wearing a male chastity belt.
But my wife is shy and conventional in the bedroom, and I fear my kink will ultimately destroy our .
I’m 47 and she’s 44. We have two young children.
I have a high-powered and high-pressure job, where I have to remain in control in a full-on environment.
Outside work, I like someone else to be in charge, especially with sex.
I’ve had femdom fantasies — where the woman is dominant — for years, and they are getting stronger the older I get. I have always been attracted to strong, assertive women.
But while my wife is quite bossy around the house, it doesn’t extend to bedroom, where she is prudish.
She only wants missionary position sex and doesn’t even like going on top.
She’s self-conscious and thinks men should take the lead. She never initiates sex.
It’s left me feeling unfulfilled, which has driven me to watch porn and fantasise about what I see.
Lately, I saw a video in which a woman made her partner wear a chastity cage, then hid the key.
It turned me on so much that I went online and decided to order one for myself.
The problem is, I am too scared to broach it with my wife. I think she’ll be horrified, and refuse to try it.
I’m worried if she realises how addicted I’ve become to kinky porn, she’ll leave me.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is not unusual for people in positions of authority to fantasise about being dominated during sex. It’s a way of coping with stress, of relinquishing control.
Unfortunately, your wife doesn’t share your tastes. And this has driven you to porn.
Now you feel you’ve become addicted to increasingly niche femdom porn.
There’s nothing wrong with your fantasies – you’re not hurting anyone – but they are having a negative effect on your marriage.
If your wife knows you’re watching porn obsessively, she will feel betrayed and rejected.
You can get help. Contact The Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 01926 339594) which offers sex and porn addiction therapy, both online and in person.
The centre also helps partners of sex or porn addicts.
LIFE’S A MISERY WITH BOOZY GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING with my alcoholic partner is making me feel so lonely that I think I’d be better off alone.
He won’t talk to me and we never go out together. All he’s interested in is booze and his .
We’ve been together for 20 years and are both in our 40s, with no kids.
He’s what you’d call a functioning alcoholic. He still manages to hold down a job, but he drinks every night and can’t cope without it. It’s making me so unhappy.
I pay for everything as he never has any money. We no longer have a social life because he’s alienated all our friends. My family can’t stand him and he was so rude to them that they barely speak to me now, either. The result is I have nobody to talk to about how I feel.
I know I should have left him years ago, but I hoped he would change, or at least cut down.
Instead, he’s got worse. I worry about his health, too. He doesn’t admit he has a problem. He seems to think it’s normal to drink several bottles of wine every evening.
I think it’s time for me to leave him to pickle himself, if that’s what he wants to do. But the thought of starting again is scary.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s nothing more lonely than feeling alone in a relationship.
But sadly, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Perhaps if you tell your partner just how unhappy you are, and explain that you are at the point of leaving, he may finally acknowledge his problem.
My support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, could be useful.
However, if he won’t accept help, then it might be wise to put yourself first and find a way out.
Do reach out to your family and old friends, who will probably be happy to hear from you.
Think about making new friends, too. Read my support pack, Widening Your Social Scene.
SICK BUT BULLIED AT WORK
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I was diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been bullied and harassed by my colleagues.
Now I’m worrying about losing my job, as well as about losing my hair.
I’m a man of 58 and have been working for a local authority for 20 years in the accounts department.
Being diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer was devastating, but the lack of support I’m getting at work is almost worse.
When I go for treatment, my colleagues act like I’m ducking out of work and moan about having to fill in for me.
One even spread rumours that I was lying about having cancer.
My manager takes their side and has shown me no empathy or kindness, instead making me feel like I’m a shirker and a burden.
I feel so miserable and want to quit, but I can’t afford to walk away from my job.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being treated this way is unacceptable. Please document everything and go to your HR department and to your union.
You can get free, confidential advice from workplace arbitration service Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
It’s also important you get emotional support for your treatment. Try Macmillan (macmillan.org.uk, 0808 808 0000).
