AS MELISSA Ohden bickered with her older teen sister Tammy over whose turn it was to do the washing up, the argument gradually became more heated.
“At least my biological parents wanted me,” Tammy blurted out without thinking, leaving Melissa totally stunned.
That was the moment in October 1991 that her life changed forever and led to a shocking discovery.
“I learned that I had survived being at eight months,”; Melissa says in this exclusive interview.
“I only lived after a nurse heard me crying from a medical bin and rushed me to intensive care for treatment.”;
What was even more devastating for Melissa was learning one of the supervisors in charge that day – was in fact her own grandmother who she claims encouraged the termination at eight months.
“I know it sounds shocking, and it is,”; she says,
“It is why I have dedicated my life to helping other survivors of abortions all over the world know they are not alone.”;
Social worker and Abortion Survivors Network founder Melissa, now 47, lives in Kansas City, and is a proud mum to two daughters aged 16 and 10.
Growing up Melissa always knew she had been born prematurely and had been adopted like her older sister, Tammy, now 52 .
“We were told early on we were by my mum and dad,”; she says.
“We'd both been told our birth mothers wanted us and only gave us up for adoption to have a better life.”
“My parents Linda and Ron Cross were both teachers and parents when I was adopted just after Tammy.
“Tammy and I fought like sisters typically do. She assumed I knew about the abortion. When she realised that wasn’t the case she told me to speak to mum and dad.”;
That night in 1991 Melissa waited for her parents to get home and asked for an explanation.
“They told me I had survived a botched abortion, and they had never intended for me to know,”; she says.
“When they told me the truth it was devastatingly earth shattering.
“My world felt like it stopped spinning that night. I felt angry, scared, ashamed and even guilty for being alive.”;
It took decades to Melissa to uncover the story of exactly what happened the day she was ‘aborted’ in August 1977.
“I discovered that my birth mother, Ruth, then 19, had been forced into the abortion by her own mother, who was an educational nurse at the hospital,”; she claims.
“She was engaged to my biological dad but as I was conceived ‘out of wedlock’ my grandmother was horrified and insisted on the termination.”;
The procedure was performed using toxic saline solution over a five-day period.
It’s a procedure no longer used in Britain or the USA due to its high failure rate resulting in live births.
“My biological mother was heavily sedated and didn’t know that I had been born alive,”; Melissa says.
“I gasped a few times and according to reports the supervisors, including my grandmother, were told to leave me to die as ‘I wouldn’t survive.’”;
Melissa’s biological mother left the hospital that day believing the abortion had been successful.
However, Melissa had survived and, weighing just 2Ib 14oz, was immediately put in the neonatal unit attached to tubes and wires suffering , respiratory distress, and seizures.
It was expected that even if she did survive, she would have vision problems, hearing loss and developmental delays.
But survive she did and three weeks later, she was transferred to the University Hospital in City.
At three months old she left the hospital and was taken in by Linda and Ron, who had already adopted a girl called Tammy, four years older than Melissa.
“All I’d ever known is I had been adopted and since then showered in love by my adoptive parents,”; she says.
But learning the truth of her origins in her teens had a huge impact on Melissa.
She explains: “I developed and turned to . I started drinking heavily to numb the pain.
“I was good at hiding the trauma, but I spent my teen years gripped by unimaginable shock and pain. It was a dark and terrible time for me.
“I realised though I needed to take real control of my life. I got help for my drinking and eating disorder and went on to study political science at the University of South Dakota in Vermillion,
Melissa did not know it when she started university, but her biological mother had also attended the university.
Astonishingly her maternal grandmother – the very woman who orchestrated the abortion – was a professor at the university during the time Melissa was there.
“Looking back, I realised I was destined to know the truth,”; says Melissa
She was never told I survived. It was kept a secret from her
Melissa Ohden
“My ‘origin story' was hunting me and I couldn't escape it.”
Melissa left university and began a career as a social worker.
“At 19 I became determined to access my original medical records as part of learning where I came from,”; she says.
“If you are an abortion survivor who is adopted, gaining access to those records is a huge battle because abortions often aren't properly documented or linked to a family GP file.
However, Melissa’s determination paid off and in 2007 she discovered her abortion notes which included the names of her parents.
“I wrote to my biological father in 2007, but he passed away in 2008. My letter was only found by his family amongst his paperwork,”; she says.
Melissa then wrote to her biological grandparents, her birth mother’s dad and mum.
“My grandfather wrote back saying my live birth was not the intention the day I was born,”; she says.
“He also made it clear I would not find my birth mother through them because they were estranged from her.
“It was evident their relationship with my birth mother was never the same after my birth. I could not put my finger on it, but I knew then something sinister had gone on.
It would take another six years for Melissa to find her birth mother, Ruth and let her know the daughter she had been forced to try and abort was alive.
“She was never told I survived. It was kept a secret from her,” Melissa says.
“I was placed for adoption without her ever knowing.
“She never even knew whether I was a boy or a girl.”;
“In 2013 I was given a contact for Ruth, my birth mother, after one of her relatives had seen a post I had put on social media.
“I didn't know it at the time but members of my birth family had effectively followed my quest on Facebook.
“They'd kept track of my posts and finally one of them told my birth mum.”
Melissa emailed her birth mother for three years before meeting face to face in May 2016.
“She was living in the same city as I was,”; Melissa says.
“Meeting her was terrifying but also a powerful life changing experience.
“When we first said hello, I could see the regret in her eyes. It was haunting.
“It was absolutely surreal. It was a meeting no one is prepared for. I cannot accurately describe how it felt.
“It was life defining and incredibly important for me and her.”;
Melissa learnt her biological mum was athletic and had always experienced irregular periods.
“She didn't realize she was pregnant until the third trimester,”; says Melissa.
“My birth mother told me she hadn’t wanted a termination, but my grandparents did not approve of the relationship between her and my father.
“Learning that was a huge shock, I had spent so many years thinking my mother never wanted me. It meant I had to suddenly re-adjust all my thinking.”;
Melissa also met the nurse called Mary, who found her in the hospital waste and chose to save her.
Her adoptive parents and Mary stayed connected, exchanging Christmas cards and letters with pictures and updates on her progress.
Melissa says: “When I learnt about surviving the abortion I began writing to her. It was amazing to know the person who saved me.
“Mary and I have a friendship that’s lasted decades.
“It made me feel so special that this nurse cared for me when no one else did.”;
I once worried that I wasn’t wanted but now I feel more loved than ever
Melissa Ohden
Melissa also discovered she has two half-sisters.
“I see my birth mum regularly and we look to the future together,”; she says.
“My adopted mum and dad have been amazing and supportive. They are a blessing.
Melissa’s unbelievable experiences led her to become a motivational speaker and in 2019 she founded the Abortion Survivors Foundation.
She says: “We are the forgotten ones. The hidden ones. The ones people do not think exist or could ever exist.
“The sheer relief knowing they are not alone and able to get help, support and share their stories is amazing.
“Through my Catholic faith I have learnt to forgive what happened to me.
“It is something I teach my daughters. Forgiveness leads to healing and in my case brought me full circle finding a birth mother and an extended family who also cared.
“I once worried that I wasn’t wanted but now I feel more loved than ever.”;
