CELEBRITIES’ ears would have been burning this week after Katherine Ryan brought her Battleaxe tour to the London Palladium.
The Canadian comic, hands down the funniest woman in stand-up, took aim at everyone from to disgraced rapper P-Diddy.
As Kath said: “Who knew P stood for paedo? He was hiding in plain sight all this time.”;
No one escaped her acerbic wit and I was in stitches when I caught her show on Thursday night.
Giving a nod to my tale about and Maura Higgins’ , Kath said: “I can’t turn on the news without making out with someone’s husband.
“What am I supposed to do about that? I don’t blame Maura, by the way. She’s irresistible. Finally, the women of have outsourced their most valuable natural resource.
“I’d like to see Maura on . Just Maura and married celebrity men.”;
She also turned her attention to Tommy “I’m not a love rat even though we all know I’m a love rat”; Fury and why .
Kath said: “Molly-May is nice, and she’s a doting mother, and she built a multi-million dollar enterprise,”; Kath told the crowd.
“And then I watched a walking f***ing haircut of a man make the decisions of someone who gets punched in the head professionally. Tommy is a liability. He’s very stupid.
“We were on a quiz show for , and for the winning point, they asked to name a country that started with the letter H. And he said Hamsterdam.”;
also got a shout-out after he fathered a child behind his wife’s back, with Kath asking: “How is Dave having a secret baby when he looks like he sleeps in his car? “Someone will f*** a man who looks like a pirate with gout.”;
My favourite joke, however, went to Kath’s take on The Duke of York, telling us: “ has been responsible for more sobbing teenagers than .”;
She went on to roast grim perverts and joked: “It never gets old, making fun of nonces. It’s a fun word, nonce. You take it for granted and that stops tonight.
“It sounds like a star restaurant. ‘Ooh, you’ve got to get a booking at nonce’.
“‘Try the aged venison fillet. Not too aged. Don’t worry . . . it is nonce, after all.’”;
Just brilliant. If you fancy checking out the show, Kath has just added three more dates at the Palladium on May 1, 2 and 3 and continues to tour across the UK.
You’d be crazy to miss it.
Tyla spy rumour is Tutu much
TYLA pulls her socks up as she prepares for a busy .
She posed in this tiny tutu and heels for Nylon magazine, and revealed her fans are convinced she’s a spy.
Asked about the wildest rumour she’s heard about herself, she said: “I’m apparently a CIA agent. I’m an undercover agent in the Illuminati trying to divert people’s minds from the New World Order. That’s my favorite rumor.”;
Tyla is in and out of the studio for her second album, but also has a run of gigs.
She is on a line-up of incredible rising female stars at All Points East Festival in London’s Victoria Park on August 23, when she joins rapper Doechii and ‘s Jade as support acts for .
Retro vid ‘Eds to Grimsville
picked some seriously grotty Nineties-style venues to hang out in for the filming of his video to song Old Phone.
He is waiting to release latest album Play and brought out new single Azizam last week.
But he kept things down market for locations on the vid to accompany follow-up track Old Phone.
My insiders told me: “Ed wanted to go old school for his new music video.
“They filmed it in Gloucester, a city in Massachusetts, and picked loads of rundown venues.
“Ed was seen filming in a grim hotel as well as the Cape Ann Lanes bowling alley and a local pub. He has gone for a really retro vibe for the video and it’s really nostalgic.
“The places they filmed were so rundown though, it was funny to see someone as rich and famous as Ed hanging out there.”;
Ed is currently based at his massive estate in but said this week he could see himself moving over to the US permanently, saying: “Nashville is my favourite city in the States and it’s always been my end goal to move to Nashville.”;
It’s one of the best cities in the US, so I am not surprised Ed fancies a move.
Just another bad taste swipe
A DECADE ago, was getting into trouble and making bad-taste jokes.
But if you thought he’d grown out of being a berk, think again.
In a strange post on Thursday night, Justin shared a screenshot of himself on a video call with Stevie Wonder, who is blind, and wrote: “This fool never sees my Facetimes.”;
Justin then appeared to hit out at his former pal and stylist Ryan Good, with whom he co-founded fashion brand Drew House in 2018.
In a dig at his former colleagues there, he said: “If you’re rocking with me, the human Justin Bieber, don’t waste ur money on Drew House.”;
Justin’s headed to Coachella this weekend with wife Hailey, so I’ve no doubt his harebrained antics will continue.
Lew pub lock-in
might have a sore head after enjoying a lock-in at The Dublin Castle.
The singer, who I’m told will be releasing new music soon, knocked back pints of lager with pals into the early hours at the North boozer.
An onlooker told me: “Lewis was having a grand old time and had his mates in stitches.
“He arrived at The Dublin Castle after midnight and stayed until way past 3am. It was a proper wild lock-in.
“He was hanging out with a big group that included Georgie, the fiancée of Grian Chatten from Fontaines D.C. and some of her friends.”;
