I longed for my married lover to leave his wife – but now we’re together his secrecy feels like a worse betrayal

RUBY Cutler never imagined she’d be the other woman – but when she met Mark, 51, a married sales adviser, everything changed.

After a long affair, he finally left his wife but a year later, he still hasn’t gone public with their relationship – and Ruby, 47, from Exeter, is tired of being kept in the shadows.

Here, administrator Ruby shares her story.

“ONE afternoon, I was scrolling through LinkedIn when a profile picture of a sexy sales advisor caught my eye. We had dozens of contacts in common, so I ‘connected’ with him.

He was handsome, with kind eyes, broad, strong shoulders, a full head of hair (rare after 50), and that silver fox vibe. I was instantly attracted.

Our relationship began professionally, with messages about work. We’d exchange pleasantries, but soon, there was a flirtatious undertone. From the start, the attraction was undeniable.

Curious about him, I did what most of us do these days – looked him up on social media. His Facebook profile gave me a glimpse into his life outside of work.

That’s when I saw it – the dreaded wedding ring. My stomach dropped. I thought, “Oh god, do I back off?”;

At first, I told myself to keep things professional. But it was hard. The flirting started as harmless banter but it slowly escalated. I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

Before I knew it, I was finding excuses to contact him.

“Can you send over a brochure?”; I’d ask, just to have a reason to hear his voice.

I looked forward to our chats, l loved how he made me laugh. I told myself I was happy being single, but there was something about him that made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t felt in years.

We chatted but I never asked him about his wife, and he never mentioned her.

Then, in 2022, after a year of phone calls and emails, everything changed. We were both invited to a major corporate networking event at a hotel – and we happened to be staying there overnight.

The moment I found out, my stomach flipped. I knew this was my chance.

I ditched my glasses, treated myself to a full glam makeover, and bought a sexy, red dress with killer heels. When I looked in the mirror, I barely recognised myself – I wondered if he would either.

That evening, I spotted him at the bar and made a beeline for him. He looked just as good as in his pictures – tall, with dark, peppered hair, a true silver fox.

It was obvious he took care of himself, and I felt a flutter of nerves as I approached. I needed to be brave, so I put on my big girl pants and walked over.

With a cheeky grin, I said, “I’ll have a gin and tonic, love.”;

He flashed a disarming smile and ordered me one. The chemistry between us was electric, even more intense in person. We got on like a house on fire. But there was an elephant in the room – his wife.

Curiosity got the better of me. “How’s your wife?”; I asked, casually but directly.

Four red flags your partner is cheating

Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating.

They start to take their phone everywhere with them

In close relationships, it's normal to know each other's passwords and use each other's phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.

Aaron says: “If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful.”

“You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use.If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something.”

They start telling you less about their day

When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.

“If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don't want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag.”

“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it's an easy way to get caught out,” says Aaron.

Their libido changes

Your partner's libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.

Aaron says: “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren't there before.”

They become negative towards you

Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.

“To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven't walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating,” warns Aaron.

I wasn’t prepared for how much he would open up. With a deep sigh, he took a sip of his drink and admitted things weren’t great.

They had been trying for children for years, pouring a fortune into IVF – only to face heartbreak after heartbreak.

The stress, the scheduled sex, the endless disappointments – it had driven a massive wedge between them.

After three failed rounds of IVF, they hadn’t been intimate in a long time. They were sleeping in separate bedrooms.

He shocked me with his honesty, but it also felt like he trusted me – like he saw me as someone he could confide in. Did he see me as just a friend, or did he want more?

My heart ached for him – and for her. But at the same time, I felt a strange sense of relief. He wasn’t in a happy marriage. This wasn’t some fairytale love story I was about to ruin.

The gin had kicked in a little, and as the conversation flowed, he turned his attention to me. “What about you?”; he asked.

I shrugged. “I’m single. No kids.”;

His eyes lingered on mine, and the attraction between us grew stronger. The tingles, the butterflies – I could feel the tension crackling between us.

Do I make a move? Place a hand on his leg? I didn’t want to seem too keen.

We chatted for a while longer, both dancing around what we really wanted to say. Eventually, we went our separate ways. But later that night, he came back.

I’d given him a nod, a subtle hint. And when the knock came at my door, I knew it wasn’t room service – my midnight feast had arrived.

I opened the door and fell straight into his arms. After months of flirting, we couldn’t hold back any longer.

The sex was incredible – passionate, spontaneous and wild.

‘Temporary escape'

After that night, we tried to keep things professional, but we couldn’t resist each other. We arranged “meetings”; outside of work, ones that conveniently allowed us to spend time together.

His job required him to travel often, which meant he could stay overnight in different places without raising suspicion.

At first, it was exciting. The secrecy, the passionate sex, the intensity of sneaking around – it was like something out of a film. But soon, reality set in.

“If your marriage is sexless and the baby dream isn’t happening, why are you still in it?”; I asked him one day.

He looked torn. He wanted out, he said, but it wasn’t that simple. His in-laws adored him and his wife still believed there was hope for their future.

They had spent a fortune on IVF and he felt like walking away would make him the villain.

I felt sorry for her. There was guilt, too – what if that happened to me one day? I’m a big believer in karma, but I had to push that thought out of my mind.

I wasn’t her. I was a different person but I started to wonder – was he ever going to leave her? Was I just a temporary escape?

Months passed. I spent birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Days alone, while he played the role of dutiful husband at home. I didn’t want to scare him off and told myself to be patient, but how long was I supposed to wait?

Then, a year ago, everything changed. There was a knock at my door. When I opened it, there he was, waving a set of keys.

“I’ve left,”; he said simply. “I told her it’s over.”; I was stunned. He finally did it.

He told his wife he wasn’t happy, that they hadn’t been intimate in years, and that he had met someone else. She was devastated. I felt a pang of guilt, knowing she must have been blindsided.

But at the same time, I told myself it wasn’t my fault. Their marriage was over long before I was on the scene. It took a while for the news to sink in. I couldn’t believe he had finally done it.

I spent birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Days alone, while he played the role of dutiful husband at home. I didn’t want to scare him off and told myself to be patient, but how long was I supposed to wait?

Ruby Cutler

Now, he’s renting a beautiful house, and we’re officially together – but not everyone knows. He still hasn’t told his in-laws the full story.

They know the marriage is over and that he’s met someone else, but he hasn’t told them who or how serious it is. He also gave his ex-wife a watered-down version of events to spare her feelings – which I understand.

I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to introduce him as my boyfriend to friends and family, post pictures of us together on Instagram, celebrate anniversaries and do all the things normal couples do.

But I have to wait. He’s still nervous. I’ve asked him, “Isn’t it time we go public? Your marriage is over. We’re together now. You left your wife a year ago.”;

“Just a little longer,”; he always says.

It’s hard. I thought that once he left his wife, the hiding, the secrets, and the lies would be over – but they’re not.

Most people still don’t know about us – not even my mum. I’m constantly batting away patronising questions like, “Isn’t it time you found yourself a fella?”;

I feel like screaming, “I do! I have Mark!”; But I can’t. I can’t say I’m seeing him. Some people would frown upon it – we live in a small town – but the truth is, things like this happen.

I’m not the first person in this situation and I won’t be the last. I’ve told Mark he can’t stay guilty forever but he’s hesitant, still unsure.

I know I have to be patient. A little longer won’t hurt. The most important thing is that we’re happy but I don’t feel like we can truly enjoy a real relationship until we go public.

The good news is his divorce is going through and, one day, I’d love to get married. But I don’t want to pressure him – we haven’t even talked about it yet. I won’t force anything.

One step at a time. First, we need to go public.