IRONICALLY, in the very week that the Duchess of Sussex launches her “fruit spread”; online, her husband Prince Harry finds himself stuck feet first in a jam of his own.
According to a friend authorised to speak on his behalf to the, er, hateful media, Harry feels as though he’s “had one of his fingers cut off”;.
This is because Sentebale, the Africa-based charity he co-founded in 2006, is in chaos over claims from its chairwoman that she was subjected to “abuse of power, bullying, harassment, misogyny and misogynoir”;, which specifically refers to discrimination against black women.
In a TV interview at the weekend, Zimbabwe-born Dr Sophie Chandauka went even further, saying: “Really, what Prince Harry wanted to do was eject me from the organisation and this went on for months through bullying, harassment. I have documentation.”;
She added that Harry asked her to stand up publicly for Meghan after an awkward exchange at a polo match (she refused to do so) and that the problems around Brand Sussex has led to a drop in the charity’s donations.
Earlier, she said: “There are people in this world who behave as though they are above the law and mistreat people, and then play the victim card and use the very Press they disdain to challenge their conduct.”;
Ouch. Back to Harry’s friend Alex Rayner, who says his royal chum is “beyond heartbroken and flabbergasted”; by the claims and suggests that Dr Chandauka’s failure to support Meghan over the polo incident was because she “had her nose put out of joint because she was not the most important woman of colour on the stage”;.
Seriously? With Meghan’s “As Ever”; brand peddling images of the perfect Stepford Wife life to flog her various wares, this public slanging match with someone prepared to hold a mirror up to the couple’s carefully crafted image must feel like PR whack-a-mole.
But whatever the truth behind these allegations, it’s hard not to feel that there’s a large dose of karma involved.
“If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by,”; said Sun Tzu, the Chinese general credited with writing influential work The Art Of War.
One wonders if this quote has been printed out and stuck on royal household fridges around the country.
For lest we forget, Harry and Meghan blithely dished out allegations against the Royal Family during their infamous Oprah interview, including the insinuation that one of them made a racist comment about Archie’s skin colour.
“We are very much not a racist family,”; a clearly furious Prince William was forced to respond afterwards in a highly rare departure from the usual royal philosophy of “never complain, never explain”;.
So he and wife Catherine would have to be actual saints not to be feeling a small frisson of glee that the tables have now turned.
I’m picturing them with the newspapers spread out across a vast kitchen table in Anmer Hall, sipping tea literally and metaphorically with a dollop of schadenfreude on toast as they pore over every detail. Or maybe that’s just me.
Dr Chandauka’s accusations of racism have been categorically de- nied by the royal patrons (Harry and his old Ampleforth schoolmate Prince Seeiso) and the charity’s trustees, but this story doesn’t look like it’s going away any time soon.
Begging the question: Will Meghan’s next product launch be “a ginger jam”;?
DOLLS A REAL WORRY
WHEN a dog walker spotted a plastic bag with a decayed human hand sticking out, police launched an immediate murder investigation.
The area was sealed off, floodlights and drones fired up, and an undertaker called to the scene.
But it turns out that the burnt remains of a female corpse was one of those next-generation sex dolls famed for their lifelike appearance.
Police in the German city of Rostock laughed it off as “an exercise”; but politely reminded people to “dispose of their rubbish in the appropriate locations”;.
At first, I thought it was one of those April Fool’s stories that media outlets used to do before AI and misinformation made every day an exercise in separating truth from nonsense.
Like the BBC’s Panorama report that “spaghetti grows on trees”; in 1957 or Flying Eze’s claim in 2015 that Ed Miliband has dyed his hair blond to be more like Boris Johnson.
But no. Turns out there’s been an increase in police call-outs to sex-doll dumpings by people too embarrassed to dispose of them in their own bins.
One imagines that’s the least of their worries.
IT’S ALL GO FOR CHAPS
WAYNE ROONEY made headlines this week for peeing against a wall after a night out in London.
Perhaps a few were outraged, but after conducting a straw poll of my mates, the blokes took the view that, as public loos are as rare as hen’s teeth, needs must.
And the women collectively sighed, “men have it so easy”;.
Meaning, of course, that when we’re caught short, we can’t just unzip and go.
Which reminds me of my recent stint in the I’m A Celebrity jungle with Wayne’s wife Coleen.
Our campmates Barry McGuigan and Danny Jones answered quiz questions to win us luxury items sent by our loved ones, and secured Coleen a comfy pillow with a photo of Wayne and the kids on it.
But sadly, they got my question wrong and I went giftless.
I later learned from my daughters that it was a “Shewee”; – a urination device that enables women to pee standing up and, in my case, remove the need for me to enter the pitch black, spider-infested dunny for my midnight tinkle.
Still, as the dunny is the only area that’s camera-free, perhaps it was a blessing.
A TOAST TO THE CHEESE
WEDDING DJs are reportedly being given “do not play”; lists by happy couples anxious to avoid offence to guests on their big day.
Anything by R Kelly is a no-no because of his sex crimes conviction, Michael Jackson is a “grey area”; and Nazi-sympathiser Kanye West because he is “losing his mind”;.
Although one DJ said that a couple had deemed R Kelly as acceptable to play because “evidently all the money in his royalties now goes to his victims”;.
Meanwhile, Bruno Mars and Ed Sheeran are often on the banned list because they make “happy music”; (er, isn’t that the intended vibe on the big day?) and anything considered as “cheese ball wedding songs”; such as Mr Brightside by The Killers because it’s “over-played”;.
Crikey. Who knew that such overthinking went on?
Speaking as a guest at many nuptials over the years, I can reliably inform anyone currently planning their wedding that Dancing Queen gets everyone up, Night Fever evokes hilarious mum and dad dancing, and Mr Brightside causes elderly relatives to be virtually crushed underfoot as the 30-somethings pogo their way on to the floor.
In short, the heady mix of alcohol and “cheese ball”; tunes is exactly what fills your dance floor.
Young makes me feel old and Grey
THINGS that make me feel old – part 456.
AC/DC’s “schoolboy”; Angus Young has just hit 70.
And Dirty Dancing actress Jennifer Grey has just turned 65.
I was going to quip that “no one puts granny in a corner”;, except that she’s not one.
But you get my drift.
LOOSE TALK
ON this week’s Loose Women podcast, my fellow panellist GK Barry, 25, asks me: “Have you ever dipped your toe in the lesbian pool?”;
Which might explain why I have always preferred to be the interviewer rather than interviewee.
Sadly, I have conveniently run out of space here to give my answer. You’ll have to listen to it.
