DEAR DEIDRE:IT’S one thing to forgive an affair but quite another to stop thoughts popping into your head.
My husband and I have worked hard at rebuilding our and the trust since I discovered suggestive messages on his phone.
I don’t even think he would cheat again but still I keep revisiting their sexual conversations and imagining them together.
Why do these thoughts keep sneaking up on me when I least expect it?
We’re in our late thirties. My husband’s affair happened four years ago and although we are in a much better place and in many ways happier than before, these memories derail me.
We have got our sex life back on track and my husband always makes sure I’m satisfied – he’s definitely become a more considerate lover.
But, still, we’ll be undressing each other or in the middle of sex and all of a sudden those unwanted thoughts come flooding in.
As we have worked so hard to get our back on track, I end up pretending everything is okay as I don’t want to set us back.
In the run up to his infidelity, we’d become ground down by work and running around after our young daughter.
We hardly spent any time together and had both started to take each other for granted.
Still, I knew something was up when he became strangely protective of his phone.
I saw some messages on his mobile from a colleague which, on the face of it, seemed normal but he’d never mentioned her before so I grew suspicious.
Looking through his for more clues, I came across a app that he’d never used before — and there it was, one follower, the same work colleague.
The messages were more than suggestive and it was clear that they’d met up a few times.
When I confronted him he insisted nothing sexual had happened.
I do believe him so why can’t I move on?
DEIDRE SAYS: Even though you believe your husband that he didn’t have a sexual affair, he clearly betrayed your relationship by secretly meeting this woman and exchanging saucy messages.
This will take time to recover from.
Rather than burying your upset, talk to your husband next time these thoughts flood in.
You are trying to maintain an image that you have both moved on but unless you address how insecure you are feeling, he won’t be able to reassure you.
Don’t be tempted to ask him for unhelpful details like, “Was she prettier, slimmer, fitter, than me?”; This information will only hold you back.
The important thing for you to know is he regrets his actions and wants a future with you.
My support pack Cheating Can You Get Over It? will help you recover from this.
GIRL I’VE FALLEN FOR IS 15
DEAR DEIDRE:I HAVE fallen in love with a beautiful girl, but she is only 15. I am worried about what people will think.
I am 24 and she likes me back. I know we can’t have sex because she is underage and that it would be illegal, but I don’t want to.
I just want to be with her because we get on so well.
We like the same things and have fun when we are together. I care about her and wouldn’t do anything to harm her.
I just worry about what her parents will say if we tell them – and my family too.
Should we just keep it a secret?
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t keep this from your families because you will be found out. Age is not just a number. There is a huge difference in your emotional development.
This girl is too young to have a relationship with you.
While she may seem mature, or even want a relationship, she does not have as much life experience as you.
She will be studying for her while you, no doubt, will have been out working for years.
Do the right thing and reframe your thoughts so you see this as a friendship, not a romantic relationship.
If you are ready for a relationship, start socialising more with young people your own age.
It would be far better for you to meet someone at a similar life stage to you.
My support pack Learning About explains more.
LOST A TESTICLE FROM HER KICK
DEAR DEIDRE:MY girlfriend kicked me in the groin because I was drunk and couldn’t get an erection.
The pain was excruciating and the damage so bad that I ended up losing one of my testicles.
I am 35, my girlfriend is 33. We have been together for two years and I always thought we had a good relationship.
We had been drinking all evening in celebration of her birthday when she assaulted me.
She wanted sex with me but I was struggling to get an erection. She got out of bed and I could see she was becoming annoyed.
I kept telling her I was sorry, that I had drunk too much, but she wouldn’t listen. I even suggested we have sex in the morning when we’d sobered up.
But she grabbed my testicles then kicked me where it hurts. I was in agony. I called an ambulance because the pain was so terrible.
The doctor told me that my girlfriend had damaged my testicle so badly that it had to be removed. I couldn’t believe it.
My girlfriend has since apologised but because we were so drunk she says she can’t get into trouble for sexual assault. She says she would never behave like that when sober.
I know I am being pathetic but I am scared of my girlfriend now, knowing what she is capable of.
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course you are scared – your girlfriend sounds unpredictable and violent. You are not being pathetic.
Your girlfriend is in the wrong – this was a sexual assault.
She caused bodily harm and being drunk is no defence and doesn’t excuse her behaviour. It was abusive and against the law.
You must talk to the about taking this further. Please don’t stay with this woman a minute longer.
You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not treat you so badly and hurt you like this.
Get in touch with SurvivorsUK who support men who have experienced sexual violation (survivorsuk.org, 0203 598 3898).
