STACEY Solomon and Joe Swash might have a whopping 8 million Instagram followers combined, all eager to tune into their new BBC reality show, but I won’t be one of them.
A whole six hours devoted to their various hijinks around their now-famous abode, Pickle Cottage? I’d rather pickle my brains.
Now, I’m sure Staceand Joe won’t lose any sleep over my lack of interest in their new self-titled fly on the wall series – the hugely popular couple’s show will no doubt be a ratings winner, such is the enormous interest surrounding the relatable, amiable couple and their ever-growing brood.
But in a world where there is too much TV to watch and too little time to do it in, making an appointment with my sofa to watch the couple bicker over whose turn it is to take the bins out, or engage in some ‘wacky' segment chasing their four ducks round the garden, is akin to undergoing a lobotomy without anaesthetic.
You see, it’s not that Stacey and Joe are boring people per se – they’re both perfectly decent telly presenters and I’d happily while away an hour watching an emotional transformation on Sort Your Life Out – it’s just that they’re way too boring to be decent reality stars.
Give me MAFS style drama!
They’re simply too ordinary, too normal, too, well, much like you and me. I want my reality telly to be a spicy cocktail of the ridiculous, the explosive and the extreme – not the televisual equivalent of a milky latte.
There’s a reason why the likes of Love Island, Married At First Sightand Celebrity Big Brother have become reality TV juggernauts over the years – they’re OTT, full of attention-seeking wannabes who aren’t afraid to throw drinks, punches and spanners in the works to create telly gold.
I’m just not going to get the same thrill from watching the Solomon-Swashes lift the lid on, as the show’s logline puts it, ‘the normal madness of a family with lots of kids, plenty of animals and two busy parents’.
The opening episode promises Stacey and Joe recounting the story of how they met and fell in love (a tale which, by now, I feel I know better than my own romantic history) while preparing to head off on a family holiday to Turkey.
Baked bean rows
And the following week promises tensions between Stacey and Joe ‘coming to an head over some spilled baked beans'.
Yes, you heard that right. Spilled. Baked. Beans.
Later in the same episode? Stacey enjoys a trip down memory lane by rummaging through some old X Factormemorabilia.
It conjures nothing but that iconic Morgana Robinson skit where she impersonates Natalie ‘Just doing this now' Cassidy reminiscing on Sonia's greatest moments while rifling through some old handbags in the loft.
Except this isn't a hilarious skit, this is primetime BBC television.
If I wanted to watch that kind of ordinary, humdrum low-stakes telly, I could peer over the back fence and nosy in on the neighbours, or scroll through the banal parental whitterings on my son's school WhatsApp group.
I understand why there will be some who want to see what goes on behind closed doors with one of the nation’s favourite couples, but they’re kidding themselves if they think they’re going to get anything genuinely titillating.
What we won't see
Stacey and Joe’s brand is too important, and they’re both too savvy to show us anything that could ever damage it.
Secret smoker Stace having a cheeky puff of a ciggie out the window while screaming blue murder at the kids? Forget it.
Joe telling DIY queen Stace her latest crafty home project featuring bog rolls and blu tack is an eyesore? Never!
The pair having a blazing row cos Stace has caught Joe signing up to some bikini clad beauty’s OnlyFansaccount? Dream on!
Instead we’ll get a semi-scripted, amiable enough series where Stace talks about mum guilt, Joe cracks the odd cheeky chappy gag and the biggest peril will come from whether the deliveroo driver will turn up on time with the weekly Chinese.
The pair have attempted to hype up excitement for the series in their pre-launch media blitz by admitting they had ‘domestics' while forgetting their mics were on, but this all feels like they're clutching at straws to make their lives sound more interesting.
While I'd watch for the high drama of Joe packing his bags and Stace sobbing about being a single mum, I can't muster the same excitement for what will ultimately be a barney over whose turn it is to do bath and bedtime.
Maybe in a world where we’re facing budget crises and potential nuclear wars, this is exactly the kind of mindless fluff folk want, but surely if we’re facing an impending apocalypse, we want our escapism to have a little bit more oomph to it.
How to fix it
Perhaps Stace and Joe could inject some drama into their lives by taking a leaf out of the shows that propelled them to fame?
Maybe they could bring in an X Factor style six-chair challenge, and whichever family member loses gets evicted from Pickle Cottage forever? Or perhaps their lives could be blown apart by an EastEnders style revelation that Joe is the long-lost son of Keith Lemon?
Sadly, I fear this is all wishful thinking.
In a TV offering as beige as their living room, Joe and Stace arguing about who left the milk out the fridge is the closest thing I’m ever going to get to a doof doof....
Stacey and Joe starts on BBC One tonight at 8pm.
