DEAR DEIDRE: BREAKING my golden rule – to kick out any man who cheated – felt the right move when I discovered my husband had been meeting our neighbour in secret.
Five years ago he admitted he had met this woman, but insisted nothing physical had happened between them.
Initially I doubted him, having read their seriously suggestive messages, but he worked hard to convince me that when push came to shove he couldn’t go through with the physical deed.
We have been together for 25 years, 15 of them married. We met in our early 20s and now have two boys together aged 14 and 12.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt and somehow we managed to put it behind us.
He was suffering from at the time due to job insecurity.
We talked at length about how we were going to and decided we’d have regular date nights and set aside regular time for sex.
We even managed a few weekends away with our parents stepping in to look after the .
Our relationship became stronger, and we were happy. The trust came back, and things were good.
That is until I recently caught him someone again. He said it was a woman at the gym. He told me she’d asked him to help with some weights and then she started flirting with him.
Again, he denied there was anything to it, just some silly messages.
We were getting on well, so I’m devastated. I feel such a fool for forgiving him in the first place and should have stuck to my rule.
DEIDRE SAYS:Unless he understands his behaviour is wrong, the possibility will remain that he could cheat again.
At the very least this is micro-cheating, when a partner’s actions makes the other person question their commitment, damaging trust.
He may not have touched these other women, but his attention is not on you.
Don’t let him dismiss his behaviour by saying nothing happened, as that won’t address the issue.
You enjoy a nice life together and a good sex life so what has gone wrong for him? My support pack Can’t Be Faithful? may help even if he hasn’t physically been unfaithful.
I’M SO SICK OF HURTFUL COMMENTS
DEAR DEIDRE: I KNOW my husband’s behaviour towards me is wrong, but I love him.
He doesn’t go anywhere with me, isn’t bothered if I am around and we only have sex when he wants it.
I am 49 and he is 51. We’ve been married for 24 years. His family hate me and are turning our eldest two children against me. They see their grandparents every week and are influenced by them. When they return home, they are rude to me.
My husband doesn’t include me in family events. His rude and hurtful comments are soul-destroying.
Splitting up will rip me apart as I thought we were for life. I am lost, and while I know it sounds pathetic, I don’t know who I am any more.
DEIDRE SAYS:Your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s making you miserable and destroying your self-esteem.
It’s damaging for your children to hear their dad and other family members badmouth you too.
My support pack, Abusive Partner, explains more and contains details of organisations that can help you leave, if that’s what you decide to do.
Ask friends or family for support too, so that they know what’s going on and can be there for you.
BISEXUAL FEELINGS OVER GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: IN the past, my ex-wife and work colleagues often questioned if I was gay, but I always said no.
I am a 55-year-old man and I accept I am a little camp, but I’ve only ever been attracted to women.
Then the other night I was picking up a takeaway order and another guy was doing the same.
We began talking. He flirted with me and asked if I was gay.
Again, I denied it.
He told me he worked at a local hotel and to call in for a drink some time.
I haven’t yet but I can’t get him out of my head.
I am so confused and now think I must be bisexual but never admitted it before.
I want to be myself, but I worry about what others will say. My head is totally fried.
DEIDRE SAYS:It can feel very lonely and isolating if you don’t feel able to be yourself openly.
We can’t choose our sexuality, and you need to work out the right path before you implode.
You don’t need to make any big announcements until you feel ready.
Coming out doesn’t always go smoothly, so talk it over first with people who will understand at switchboard.lgbt (0300 330 0630).
