I lost both of my grandfathers to suicide, we must do more to help, says Championship star Will Vaulks

WILL VAULKS knows all about the devastation that follows suicide.

The Oxford United star’s two grandfathers both took their lives within 18 months of each other while he was in his early teens.

Vaulks, 31, was just 13 when he and his family were left heartbroken when paternal grandad Tom died aged 67, six months after he had initially tried to kill himself.

And then the Wales midfielder’s maternal grandfather Hywel took his life aged 78, a day after watching his then 15-year-old grandson playing youth football for Tranmere.

Now Vaulks wants to raise awareness for one of the biggest — yet “most forgotten”; — killers.

The latest 12-month UK Government figures showed 4,377 people died by suicide, that is an average of 12 deaths every day.

The U’s ace told SunSport: “Suicide is the biggest killer in men aged under 50 and women under 35.

“So the biggest threat to your friend or family member’s life at that age isn’t a heart attack, cancer or a car crash . . . it’s from themselves.

“We talk about cancer research and the need to learn CPR — which is important and great — but suicide gets forgotten.

“So we must do everything to help get the numbers down.”;

Both grandfathers were much loved and Tom was a larger-than-life character who would take his grandson for a spin on the back of his red Kawasaki 500 motorbike.

Vaulks recalled: “He used to look after me, my brother and sister when our parents were away.

“And he would say, ‘When the cat’s away, the mice play!’

“I couldn’t have asked for a better grandparent so you can only imagine the feelings I had when he chose to take his life. It was so difficult for my dad and family.”;

At the time it was not understood why Tom had decided to end his life although with the benefit of hindsight years later the reason is perhaps less mysterious.

His grandfather, who was divorced from Vaulks’ nan, was deeply depressed andcomplained about a stomach pain he could not get diagnosed.

It is felt he feared getting old and not being able to continue doing the fun things he enjoyed.

Then, in 2008, his other grandfather Hywel left home in circumstances out of character.

Vaulks said: “My grandmother Brenda woke up to find he wasn’t in bed and had gone out.

“He didn’t take a coat or get properly dressed so hadn’t gone out for a walk.”;

Police were called and a helicopter and search dogs sent out to comb the area.

But eventually after a few hours it was Vaulk’s mum and Hywel’s daughter Ruth who discovered his body.

Only the evening before he had been watching Vaulks playing football but he went home at the full-time whistle rather than stick around, as he normally did.

That evening his mum went to check on him and Vaulks explained: “He told her, ‘You do know I love you, don’t you?’

“It was a lovely thing to say to his daughter but it has been hard for my mum down the years because she has been left with many unanswered questions like was it a sign and should she have spotted it?

“But he had made his decision at that point and unfortunately we will never know exactly why.”;

People who take their lives are in the deepest of torment and often feel they are a burden to families and friends but, as Vaulks explains, the decision to die by suicide leaves a trail of devastation that is far worse for those loved ones left behind.

He said: “The destruction the two suicides left for my family was enormous.

“We had a normal family life which was happy, healthy and great.

“The best way to describe it is it’s like a bomb going off within the family unit.

“Suicide leaves a complex grieving process that some people do not manage to getthrough. As a family, we fortunately did.

“But I became a bit numb to normal passings because you feel bitterness in the way you lost your grandparents.

“They both thought they were best out ofthe equation.

“I’d say to anyone who is struggling, the burden you leave by taking your own life is 100 fold for those you leave behind.

“From experience, no one who is struggling is a burden. People want to help, people love you and you must love yourself too.

“I’ve spoken to suicide survivors who look back now and live happy, healthy fulfilled lives.”;

Championship side Oxford became the first club last month to sign up for a suicideprevention charity’s workplace pledge.

United’s new partnership with Baton of Hope will see the U’s deliver in-house, personal suicide prevention training to all its players and staff.

It coincided with the third anniversary of Oxford legend Joey Beauchamp taking his own life at the age of 50 after years of mental- health struggles.

Vaulks, who also wants the EFL to get on board, says there are stereotypical myths surrounding suicide.

He said: “People always have one answer like he or she was a gambling addict, had an affair, took drugs — all hyper motive things.

“Sometimes those issues are relevant but a lot of the time it’s not the case.

“People have struggled silently for a long time and not had the help they need. At the moment, in the NHS, mental-health help isnot there.

“The charity’s founder is Mike McCarthy and his son Ross was on a waiting list for six months and died two months into it. That sort of time frame for help isn’t acceptable.”;

Vaulks is sure prevention is better than cure and urges everyone to play an active part.

He added: “People don’t wake up one day and decide to take their own life.

“The thing we can all do is to check in twice. We all know when someone asks, ‘How are you?’ that a person usually replies, ‘Good’.

“If you notice a slight change in your friend or people you don’t speak to so often, just ask again, ‘No, really, how are you — is everything fine?’

“We don’t need to have deep conversations but we do need to delve more into how people are feeling.

“It’s proven eight to nine minutes of talking can be enough to lift someone’s mood and prevent them spiralling downhill.

“A friend might be acting erratically, maybe drinking five pints instead of two or vice-versa, or acting quieter or louder.

“There are times when people are at crisis point and help lines or emergency services need to be called.

“But we must try to stop these things before they become major issues.

“So if you feel happy and fulfilled, pass that on to people, even in the street.

“We can live a competitive, fun and aggressive life — but still look out for others.”;